Emptied

When your soul is emptied out, and you're deceived into thinking you are totally worthless, at least there is music.

The grass is greener

I think I'm that kind of person who always thinks that the grass is greener on the side. 

I live in my world of fantasies. 

I escape from the cruel cruel reality.

It is always easier this way isn't it? 

But life is never easy. Living is never easy.

Never.

I feel very sad. I feel that I've been misunderstood, I've been blamed for something that I had no intention in doing, and blamed for not knowing what to do.

Growing up is so painful. You can no longer take I don't know as an explanation. In fact, there is no longer room for explanations. You can no longer do what you think is right, but have to do what others think is right. You get blamed and you have to take it, because that's just the way it is.

I feel like I'm the rope in tug of war, and I'm being pulled both ways, but also blamed by both sides. Do I care too much about how others feel? Or am I too insensitive to handle both sides delicately? I feel that there's so much expectations to live up to. Every time I fail, all my weaknesses became more glaring to myself, so much so that they're blinding my eyes. I can no longer see who I am except the ugly, unconfident, self-pitying freak.

I hate being a human. I hate being a responsible, mature adult. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. 

Of gatherings and camp

Came back from 2 gatherings and a camp. Had spent almost every night away from home for the past 1 week or more. Now that everything is like, over, there's a slight withdrawal symptom. 

At least one thing I came away from the camp and the gatherings is music. I met some real talented musicians at Soci Camp. I've seen one of them on youtube and such, but I only realised its him today, when I looked at those videos again. Haha. Singapore is so small. The other is what others call him, an emo rocker. English rock. But good nonetheless. And then I discovered one more place in Singapore to chill. Timbre. Yeah. Although it seems like many people have heard of it before. Haha, I'm slow. 

The 2 days spent at the Geyao gathering was also fruitful in that I became closer to the bunch of them. Jammed with them, but only exposed my deficiencies. I really need to work my confidence out.

Oh wells. Vincent Sir once said that confidence comes from knowledge. I should work on my knowledge first then.

Its so weird. I feel like blogging but I have nothing to say. 

Anyway, a pat on my back for making it into the list. =)

Multiple Shades of Blue

I stretched my legs under the desk and look around with my dopey eyes. It is a lazy afternoon for a usually busy day in office. The conditioned cool air envelopes me like this invisible jelly, sucking away my energy.

The yellowed pages of the book is making my eyes go dull, the words floating around and just not coming in. I made myself a cup of tea, but found it too sweet. At least there is something to nudge at my screen-saver mode nerves.

There's an undercurrent of anxiety. I can feel it beneath my skin. There is no way of pin-pointing the source but it is there for sure.

I really feel like talking to someone. Okay, not just anyone. The colleagues had gathered around just now to have some light snacks. Gosh. I'm impossible. I don't even have the courage to just go there and mingle with them, not until one of them invited me over. Even then, I found myself a loss of words, a loss of the opening line, a loss of the basic mannerisms in a social situation. Am I really socially underdeveloped as well?

Blue is a very suitable colour to describe how I feel now. The pale blues of dullness, the dirty blue of tiredness, the deep ocean blue of loneliness, and the multiple shades of blue in a world I find increasingly hard to live in.

正在自作多情

刚刚看完溏心风暴，好多感触啊。关于人生，关于感情，关于家庭，关于自己的，不关于自己的。。。 没仔细去想，只是想沉醉在自己的感受中，让七彩百味的情感围绕着自己。听着张惠妹的我恨我爱你，放纵自己。

有时我真的很不了解自己，但有时，我又会为了对自己的了解而心寒。女人啊，真的可以很复杂。感情乱七八糟，自己也不知道自己想要什么。可是女人啊，也可以很简单的。一部四十集的连续剧，一本小说，也可以让自己泪流满面，引发自己思考人生大道理。

有时候想太多，有时候又什么都不想去想。我好矛盾啊。

看了那么多集，我真的希望我可以像常在心一样坚强，一样的坚持。她可以还很喜欢程亮，却理智地知道他们之间已出现太多的裂痕，一切都不能重来了。我承认我真的不是一个很理智的人，尤其是在感情上，我更是完完全全地由我的情感摆布。对很多事，我都是付尽了自己的感情。对爱情，对音乐，甚至对别人不幸的遭遇，一本虚构的小说，我也可以把整个心都交出来。是自己傻，自己笨，还是真挚呢？我的心真的好软啊。怎样才可以硬朗起来？

最近与歌谣的人稍微熟络。我很期待，因为我有预感我们将会是很好的朋友。期待将来临的友谊固然开心，但自己是知道的，表面我有多开朗，始终是害羞的，是很害怕被拒绝的。所以我也不敢奢求太多，对他们还是颇客气，必要时还会说客套话。是不是自己太见外，故意建一道保护墙，把人都隔在外？