My favourite place in school

There is a piano on the 4th level of my school. Although the lack of maintanence and misuse from others have resulted in it being out of tune and somewhat cranky, at least it is still playable.

This is the place where i can find solitude and solidarity at the same time.

Tuesday, after my history paper, it was raining heavily. So i decided to occupy myself while waiting for the rain to stop.

The whole school was almost empty, and the rain just exacerbated the feeling of nothingness. But as the chords were strung, melody played, there is just this exhilarating rush of andrenaline. To hear your music echo nearly the whole school, with sounds of raindrops as your accompaniment, the all encompassing feeling is just... beautiful.

This is the time when i can play without limitations. No one to tell me that i am disrupting their lessons. No groups of people to walk past me, seemingly scrutinising what i play. No pressure.

Although my playing is only mediocre, but the feeling of able to allow my music to resonate the school, perfoming it to the emptiness in my school, is already very self-satisfying. At that point, i ask for nothing more.

When I am old

This passage is very meaningful...My dad sent it to me december last year. Please, do ponder about it. =)

(To see chinese characters: Click "View"->Encoding->Unicode)

Subject: 謹以此文獻給像我一樣流浪在外的子女們

遊蕩了這麼多年，從东到西，又從北到南，一年又一年，我在長大，知識在增加，世界在變小，家鄉的母親在變老

二十一年前母親把我送上了火車，從那以後，我一刻也沒有停止探索這個世界，二十年裡，從北京到上海，從廣州到香港，從紐約到華盛頓，從南美到南非，從倫敦到雪梨，我遊蕩過五十多個國家，在十幾個城市生活和工作過。每到一個地方，從裡到外，就得改變自己以適應新的環境，而唯一不變的是心中對母親的思念。IP電話卡出現後，我才有能力常常從國外給母親打電話，電話中母親興奮不已的聲音總能讓我更加輕鬆地面對生活中的艱難和挑戰。然而也有讓我不安的地方，那就是我感覺到母親的聲音一次比一次蒼老。過去兩年裡，母親每次電話中總是反覆叮囑：好好在外面生活，不要擔心我，一定要照顧好自己，不要想著回來，回來很花錢，又對你的工作和事業不好，不要想著我……說得越來越囉嗦，囉嗦得讓我心疼，我知道，母親想我了。

母親今年七十五歲。

我毅然決定放下手頭的一切工作，擱下心裡的一切計劃，扣下腦袋裡的一切想法，回國回家去陪伴母親一個月。這一個月裡，什麼也不幹，什麼也不想，只是陪伴母親。
從我打電話告訴母親的那一天開始到我回到家，有兩個月零八天，後來我知道，母親放下電話後，就拿出一個小本本，然後給自己擬定了一個計劃，她要為我回家做準備。那兩個月裡母親把我喜歡吃的菜都準備好，把我小時候喜歡蓋的被子「筒」 好，還要為我準備在家裡穿的衣服……這一切對於一個行動不方便的，患有輕微老年癡呆症的75歲的母親來說是多麼的不容易，你肯定無法體會。直到我回去的前一天，母親才自豪地告訴鄰居：總算準備好了。

我回到了家。在飛機上，我很想見到母親的時候擁抱她一下，但見面後我並沒有這樣做。母親站在那裡，像一隻風乾的劈柴，臉上的皺紋讓我怎麼也想不起以前母親的樣子。

母親花了整個整個的小時準備菜，她準備的都是我以前最喜歡的。但是我知道，我早就不再喜歡我以前喜歡的菜。而且母親由於眼睛看不清，味覺的變化，做的菜都是鹹一碗，淡一碗的。母親為我準備的被子是新棉花垫的，厚厚的像席夢思，我一點也不習慣，我早就用空調被子和羊毛被了。但我都沒有說出來。我是回來陪伴母親的。

開始兩天母親忙找張羅來張羅去，沒有時間坐下來，後來有時間坐下來了，母親就開始囉嗦了。母親開始給我講人生的大道理，只是這些大道理是幾十年前母親反覆講過的。後來母親還講，而且開始對照這些道理來檢討我的生活和工作。於是我開始耐心地告訴媽媽，那些道理過時了。於是母親就會癡呆呆地坐在那裡。

情況變得越來越糟糕。我發現母親由於身體特別是眼睛不好，做飯時不講衛生，飯菜裡經常混進蟲子蒼蠅，飯菜掉在灶台上，她又會撿進碗裡，於是我婉轉地告訴母親，我們到外面吃一點。母親馬上告訴我，外面吃不乾淨，假东西多。我又告訴母親，想為她請一個保姆，母親生氣地一拐一拐在房間裡辟啪辟啪地走，說她自己還可以去給人家當保姆。我無話可說。我要去逛街，母親一定要去，結果我們一個上午都沒有走到商場。
每當我們討論一些事情的時候，母親總以為兒子已經誤入歧途，而我也開始不客氣地告訴母親，時代進步了，不要再用老眼光看东西。

和母親在一起的下半個月，我越來越多地打斷母親的話，越來越多的感到不耐煩，但我們從來沒有爭吵，因為每當我提高聲音或者打斷母親的話，她都一下子停下來，沉默不語，眼睛裡有迷茫——母親的老年癡呆症越來越嚴重了。

我要走前，母親從床底下吃力地拉出一個小紙箱，打開來，取出厚厚的一疊剪報。原來我出國後，母親開始關心國外的事情，為此他還專門訂了份《參考消息》，每當她看到國外發生的一些排華辱華事件，又或者出現嚴重的治安問題，她就會小心地把它們剪下來，放好。她要等我回來，一起交給我。她常常說，出門在外，要小心。幾天前鄰居告訴我，母親在家看一曲日本人欺負中國華人的電視劇，在家哭了起來，第二天到處打聽怎麼樣子才能帶消息到日本。那時我正在日本講學。

母親吃力地把那捆剪報搬出來，好像寶貝一樣交到我手裡，沉甸甸的，我為難了，我不可能帶這些走，何況這些也沒有什麼用處，可是母親剪這些資料下來的艱難也只有我知道，母親看報必須使用放大鏡，她一天可以看完兩個版面就不錯了，要剪這麼大一捆資料，可想而知。我正在為難，這時那一捆剪報裡飄落下一片紙片。我想去撿起來，沒有想到，母親竟然先撿了起來。只是她並沒有放進我手裡的這捆剪報裡，而是小心地收進了自己的口袋。

「媽媽，那一張剪報是什麼？給我看一下。」我問。

母親猶豫了一下，把那張小剪報放在那一疊剪報上面，轉身到廚房準備晚餐去了。
我拿起小剪報，發現是一篇小文章，題目是「當我老了」，旁邊的日期是《參考消息》2004年12月6日（正是我開始越來越多打斷母親的話，對母親不耐煩的時候）。文章擇選自墨西哥"數字家庭"十一月號。我一口氣讀完這篇短文：

當我老了
當我老了，不再是原來的我。請理解我，對我有一點耐心。

當我把菜湯灑到自己的衣服上時，當我忘記怎樣繫鞋帶時，請想一想當初我是如何手把手地教你。

當我一遍又一遍地重複你早已聽膩的話語，請耐心地聽我說，不要打斷我。你小的時候，我不得不重複那個講過千百遍的故事，直到你進入夢鄉。

當我需要你幫我洗澡時，請不要責備我。還記得小時候我千方百計哄你洗澡的情形嗎？

當我對新科技和新事物不知所措時，請不要嘲笑我。想一想當初我怎樣耐心地回答你的每一個「為什麼」。

當我由於雙腿疲勞而無法行走時，請伸出你年輕有力的手攙扶我。就像你小時候學習走路時，我扶你那樣。

當我忽然忘記我們談話的主題，請給我一些時間讓我回想。其實對我來說，談論什麼並不重要，只要你能在一旁聽我說，我就很滿足。

當你看著老去的我，請不要悲傷。理解我，支持我，就像你剛才開始學習如何生活時我對你那樣。當初我引導你走上人生路，如今請陪伴我走完最後的路。給我你的愛和耐心，我會抱以感激的微笑，這微笑中凝結著我對你無限的愛。

一口氣讀完，我差一點忍不住流下眼淚，這時母親走出來，我假裝什麼也沒有發生，母親原本是要我帶走後回到海外自己再看到這片剪報的。我隨手把那篇文章放在這一捆剪報裡。然後把我的箱子打開，我留下了一套昂貴的西裝，才把剪報塞進去。我看到母親特別高興，彷彿那些剪報是護身符，又彷彿我接受了母親的剪報，就又變成了一個好孩子。母親一直把我送上出租車。

那捆剪報真的沒有什麼用處，但那篇「當我老了」的小紙片從此以後會伴隨我……

現在這張小紙片就在我的書桌前，我把它鑲在了鏡框裡。現在我把這文章打印出來，與像我一樣的海外遊子共享。在新的一年將要到來的時候，給母親打個電話，告訴她你一直想吃她老人家做的小菜……
2004年12月28日

Rough translation of the above.

The author is a man who went overseas for his career for more than 20 years. As his knowledge grows from his travels, he realised that his mom in his hometown was ageing too. She was 75 year old already. So one day, he decided to put down his work and visit his mom. For one entire month, he'll do nothing but to accompany his mom.

2 months before he goes back home, he told his mom. She then started to prepare for his home-coming. She went around getting ready to cook up his favourite dishes, made a quilt for him, and prepared his clothes. For a 75 year old lady with slight dementia and a poor eyesight, doing all these things were not easy at all.

But everything was prepared, and the son came back home. She spent hours preparing his favourite dishes. Although he knew those were already not his favourite dishes, although his mom's dementia caused the dishes to too salty or too bland, he still ate them. Although he was already used to modern air-filled blankets, and not used to the heavy cotton quilt, he still used the quilt that his mom so painstakingly sewed for him. His purpose of coming back was to accompany his mom.

In the first few days, she was busy preparing everything for his son. When they finally settled down, she started to tell him about life values.. These were the things that she has been repeating to him for past ten over years. He gently told her that times have changed, and these values are not applicable anymore.

But soon, things got worse. His mom's dementia and poor eyesightn caused her to neglect hygiene when cooking.. Often, her negligence caused flies and insects to fly into the food, and when the rice drops onto the stove, she would just pick them up again and put in the bowl. When he suggested that they eat out, she would protest by saying that outside food is unhygienic, with lots of additives. When he suggested to get a personal attendant for her, she rebuked by saying that she can even take care of other ppl, not less have someone to take care of her.

When talking about certain issues, his mom always insisted that his thinking is going the wrong way. He had also started to become more harsh with his mom. He had also began to interrupt his mother's words more often, and became more impatient with her.

One day, a few days before he leaves home, his mom struggled to pull out a box from under her bed. Inside the box was a pile of newspaper cuttings. They were all news on racial discrimination against chinese all over the world. He realised that after he left home to go out into the world, his mom started to take notice of global events and news. And she would cut out articles relating to chinese discrimination because she want to warn her son of the dangers out there. His neighbour told him that there was once, his mom watched a tv serial on the injustice japanese done to the chinese in japan. She cried and the next day, she went around finding out how to contact his son who was in japan.

When his mom took out the pile of newspaper cuttings and handed them to him, he didnt know what to do with them. Seriously, this pile has got no use to him. But he also know how much effort his mother has spent in collecting such articles. Because of poor eyesight, she needed to use a magnifying glass to read newspaper. To gather 1 or 2 articles a day is already a feat for her, yet the pile consist of so many cuttings, all painstakingly collected over the years.

Just then, one of the pieces fell out. He wanted to pick it up, but his mom picked it up first. Instead of handing it to him, she kept it in her pocket.

"Ma, What is that newspaper cutting? can i have a look?"

She hesistated, but handed it to him and went into the kitchen. The article is entitled, "When I am old" And it is dated 6th Dec 04 (It was the time when the author started to be impatient and harsh with his mom). He read it.

When I am old, and no longer who i used to be, please understand and be more patient with me.

When i spill soup onto my own clothes, when i forgot how to tie a shoelace, please think about how i used to teach you and guide you with my own hands.

When i repeatedly tell you things that you have long heard enough, please listen to me patiently, don't interrupt. When you were young, I had to repeat the same story a hundred times to put you to sleep.

When i need you to help me bathe, please don't reprimand me. Do you still remember how i used to sweet talk you to bathe when you were young?

When i am at a loss with new things and technology, please do not laugh at me. Think about how i used to patiently answer your every single "why".

When i am too tired to walk on my own, please lend out your strong arms to hold me, like the way i held you when you first learnt to walk.

When i suddenly forgot the topic we were talking about, please give me some time to recall. Actually, to me, the topic of discussion is not important. As long as you can be by my side to listen, I am already very contented.

When you look at the aged me, please do not be sad. Understand me, show me support, just like the way I treated you when you first learnt how to live. I guided you on your onset towards life, now, please accompany me in my last stages of my life. Give me your love and patience, and i will return you with a grateful smile. A smile that encompasses the unlimited love I have for you.

The son held back his tears as he finishes reading. Then, his mom came out, and he pretended that nothing happened. He opened his suitcase and took out an expensive suit so that the pile of newspaper cuttings can fit in. His mom was elated to see him keep the pile of cuttings, as if that pile in itself was an safety amulet.

Eventually, the pile of newspaper cuttings was really of no use to him, but he will always keep that article entitled "When i am old".

Better expression leads to better thoughts?

Does having a better ability to express yourself changes how other people see you?

Before you say that the ability to express onself is irrelevant in determining a person's worth, think again. Would Martin Luther King, Jr. be as inspiring and well respected if not for his famous and captivating speeches which were crafted to become the epitome of expresson? Would Winston Churchill be as charasmatic and powerful if not his witty construction of words and his strong call for unity in WW2? I don't know.

Perhaps a better question would be, does words facilitate better thinking and ideas? I mean, if you've got a great idea, and you expressed it to others with such conviction, and you can see that they are all so convinced, would you be more motivated to explore deeper into your own ideas? I would think so. So are people who can express themselves better also think better?

When you think, do you think in words? I haven been able to realise that for myself because everytime i ask myself whether i think in words, i have already thought in words. It is just like trying to catch yourself breathing unnoticably. Haha.. seems like there's no way to catch myself not thinking in words, but i am really not sure if i do.

the Luxury of Expression (Feb 06)

Written on 22nd Feburary 2006, 2.55pm

Expression is a luxury. No wonder people consider the arts and especially literature as activities when one has time to waste. Cos when one is so overwhelmed by other things to do which are more essential to livelihood, one won't have the luxury of spending time with the arts. But of course to me, the arts are very important. So is expression which is the quintessential of the arts.

The reason i said all those is because of my lack of time and energy to blog. The past few weeks made me realise how i used to take blogging for granted. Now that i have less time to do so, I missed it. I miss exploring my own thoughts, wandering into the very depths of my experiences and finding suitable words to represent them. I miss just sitting in front of the computer, seeing words churn out as my fingers tap dance on the keyboard, like what i'm doing right now.

Nothing beats the relief of expression. Expressing myself is a doorway to unleash the larger, more complicated things in life that was encapsuled in compact pockets. It is a way for myself to tidy up my feelings, my thoughts, my opinions of things and people, but mostly, to neaten up the reflections for myself.

Expression provides me with the mirror to look at myself. Not only can i see myself better with this mirror, i pen down my plans so as to turn them into action. Whats the use of merely reflecting when nothing is done? In this busy world, one can reflect but not necessary the determination to change for the better. One way to do it is to pen it down, to voice it out to others so that the "external pressure" enforced by oneself can push one for changes to the better.

Expression is so important to me. Language is one way to do it. So does music. While for the past week i have not had the time as well as mood to write, I expressed myself in music, one that does not have as much rules and limitations compared to writing. I'm glad to have risen a level beyond. But now i must work to maintain it.

Actually throughout the week i kept having the urge to write, albeit in chinese. But i always don't seem to be in the appropriate situation to write when these inspirations come to an unguarded me.

Wells... To write a proper piece of work requires much energy and mood. Sadly, I did not have the energy when the mood comes. And when i had the energy i would be doing my schoolwork. It is not easy at all. And when one piece of work is done, i daresay it is definitely not good enough.

Nevertheless, in a blog, who cares? As long as i manage release my emotions...

I am at the busiest moments of my life now, and i've never been more busy in my life than before. Yet i know that my life could only get busier in the future. Perhaps when i think back some time later, this period of my life will nothing compared to my future. Or maybe not even have the time to reflect back at all. But as what my dad told me, as i grow up, life will get busier and busier for me, yet i'll realise that my capabilities to handle such craziness would increase as well. I definitely hope so. But actually i agree with my dad as well. Although time is so precious to me now, i don't get that stressed as i would have been in the past. I've learnt to handle stress better, albeit there are times when i do feel very overwhelmed. These are the times when i frantically search for some relieve yet the more i search the more it evades me. But times of such are not as frequent as when i was in secondary school.

I am glad that despite my hectic schedule, I could still find some time to truly express myself here. For that is already a bonus for me. =)

Actually, perhaps i haven't even reached the rim of being truely busy at all.

Wells, i'll know about that in time to come.

Ramblings (August 05)

Written on 14 August 2005, 11.07pm

当你真心为一个人好时, 你会义无所顾地, 全心全意地, 不求回报地, 为那人着想。
我好像失去了冲劲, 平淡地度过这个周末。虽说, 必要的工作都完成了, 但似乎有些空缺, 不是那么容易填上的。盼了多时的空间, 才发现原来还是忙的充实, 忙的有乐趣, 忙的有冲劲。还是忙的好。

有句话用英文说词不达意, 用华文会更有味道. 惜日美好的回忆就好比洒精巧克力, 有点儿涩, 却带有些甘甘甜甜的滋味。 令人有种微醺的感觉。在口中慢慢熔化, 百感交集, 直到都分解了, 剩下的是值得回味的遗香。

"风住尘香花已尽"
李清照这词儿好贴切...

"The breeze has faded, and the withered flowers on the ground have been blown away, but yet, the fragrance resonates on the soils."

现在的我, 正游荡在脑海里, 翻阅惜日的旧片段。是零碎的, 深刻的。就像看黑白默剧, 经典的, 富有味道的。不需唏嚷, 不需言语, 不需配乐, 感觉自然流露出, 毫不刻意。

说不出的话是件苦事, 表达不出的思想是令人捉狂的。但有时又想保有些矜持, 便措文学委婉之处高歌两曲。当然, 最好是有人产生共呜, 但其实, 自己发表出来后, 喜怒哀愤泄出来了, 心情也会舒畅多。有时, 别人的了解已不重要了。

Random thoughts of the night (August 05)

Written on 8th August 2005, 10.16pm

As the glowing pink started to fade into the horizon,
the day seemed to have declared its rest,
and it turned navy blue.
A few puffs of grey suspended,
as they slowing drift away to reveal what it concealed.

Ship lights shimmer from afar,
the moon, a coy thin smile.
Scattered shining dust seemed to have dimmed,
i wonder why the sky is clear, the sparklers are not.
Those recurring sounds of water against sand.
Somehow the feeling tonight is very different.
And i sat there, tasting time.

Who says time is all elegant?
Time is merely a lazy suzy, a spinning roulette.
Stand in the center, everything spins around you.
Stand at the side, you spin around everything.

Spinning spinning spinning.
In the end you are at where you began.
But then again, i enjoy the spin.

Felt wrapped hammers in soft contact with strings.
Worn, rough skin in tense contact with strings.
I am grateful that man is bestowed upon the ability to create melodies.

For life in many ways, is just a melody.

I still wondered what happened to the stars.

默契 (July 05)

Written on 20 July 2005, 12.18am

默契
蜘蛛丝绊着两片叶子
风吹
丝搖
叶动
强韧而脆弱地維繫箸
两片叶子

Questions of life (may 05)

Written on 26 May 2005, 11.51am

Hmm..it suddenly just came into my mind.. if i step out of who i am now and review my life, what are things i have truly achieved? If i were to write a report on my own life, what would i say? and how long would it be?

what are the events that truly had a deep mark in my heart, and what are the events that just brushes pass me, leaving only dust of memories?

Who are the people whom has truly made an impact in my life and who are those who seem like close friends to me but are just a passing boat in my habour?

What are my regrets and unfulfilled, forgotten dreams?

How much have i actually learned? and how much of it unused, unapplied, forgotten?

If i were to chart my emotions for the past 17 years, what would the curve look like? Like a stock market with sharp ups and downs, or like a sound wave, smooth and curvy?

If there is another curve that charts my maturity, would it be log curve(reaching max) or a ln curve(still much room for exponential growth)?

If i were to write my life in a book and only allowed 10 chapters, how am i going to select my content from my memory? Would it be serious fiction, literary classic, or simply a joke book?

If i were to compose a piece of music out of my life would it be salut d'armour or flight of the bumble bees? If my life is a song what would the lyrics hold?

If i were to summarise my life in 150 words what would be included?

If i am to die today, could i say that i had truly lived?

Wouldnt it be interesting to find out the answers? heh..

Lessons i have learnt (march 05)

This entry was written on 2005-03-22 3:13 a.m. That period was a transitional one for me, as i had just learnt that i have to leave TJC to NYJC. Thankfully, a book managed to soothen out the bumps for me, and thus made my transition a relatively easeful one. This book is "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. Now who says books can't change lives? =)

I've learnt many lessons today.

To indulge in life's simplest pleasures.
i was just taking the bike for a walk. the weather was really superb.. warm but not hot. moist sea breeze blows against my face...even the sound of the sea..

To truly appreciate.
be it my surroundings, my friends, family, people who are around me, just strangers, and yes, even my disappointing results. oh by the way, i'm confirm not in TJ le.

To trust.
a few times today i just closed my eyes and cycle short distances slowly, let the sounds take over. sometimes i need to trust my senses more.. eyes arent everything. well.. the other day on MRT, i was thinking, i rather be blind than be deaf, because i wun be able to hear my fave music anymore...and i dun like silence. but i guess i would learn to appreciate it more.

To treasure the important things in your life.
love or perish. we all need love, be it couple-ly love, friendship love, family love, even your love for the nature, the wind, the sea.. the important things does not, however, include things like wealth(though i dun have much), clothes, appearance, yes...even the new bike i've been wanting so bad to get it...material things will always come after your soul has been fed. for now till...at least for a while, my aleco(current bike brand) will do. heh...

To immense in my emotions totally, and detach fully. To truly be myself. Throw away all the cultural norms, society norms, all the embarrasement u think u might feel from doing some things you really want to do.

introduction...

While choosing a service provider for my blog, i had told myself that no way am i going to use blogger.com. Not only because it is so common, but its codes are such a hard nut to crack. I signed up at blogdrive under the same name. Yet the website was very slow in loading, so i decided to try diaryland since it is something i am familiar with. Yet on second thoughts, i wanted to try a new service provider. I considered other service providers like ebloggy and live journal, both which i did not find particularly attractive. So here i am, on blogger again.

Searching for a template i wanted was particularly tedious. I liked a clean template with as little borders as possible, yet to my astonishment, all templates which i found were all boxed up already. In the end i decided to modify a diaryland template to suit blogger. Oh my what a ardous process. But thankfully it turned out quite well. Something clean, simple and bright.

Oh yes, welcome to my blog.

A little something about my writing history...

I started to write online in feburary 2003. Yet my online diary remained a private entity until today, when i finally decided to unleash my words. Writing is something important for me, because it is a channel of expression. It is a process to explore my thoughts into a deeper realm and to train my usage of language as well.

Do expect that my entries are going to be long (and perhaps verbose at times). Seems like being succinct is still not in my range of writing abilities yet. heh..

Nonetheless, i write to share, to enjoy.

I am going to post some of my previous entries. These are entries which meant a lot to me, and i have put in a lot of effort to construct them. There will also be certain posts in chinese, but please understand that i love the chinese language as well, or even more. =)

Ok, a bit too long on this already. enjoy! =D

Expression

I don't know,

Perhaps it is due to my desire to project my thoughts out to the world.

Perhaps it is the convenience and freedom to publish in this internet age.

Perhaps for attention.

Perhaps to explore the ambiguities and complexities of being human.

Perhaps just an outlet.

Perhaps on a moment of impulse.

I started this public blog.

Nonetheless, i write for expression. And perhaps that is the best reason for doing so.